Strong enough

You know, it's on days like these when i feel soooo strong..strong enough to know that im alright without you. That you're just another guy. I don't need to rush u with her anymore.

I think the more i see of your weakness, the more i feel that i can move on...Of cos i can accept u with ALL your flaws..However i think if the need be, i can move on away..and your flaws will be the pushing factor so that the heartache will not be that bad..

On friday night, u quarelled with jess thrgh msg (!) because u wanted to go fishing. Initially u were scheduled for an appt at 9pm then meet her for supper after that. But the appt sort of got postponed..then u,i and anna had dinner together after survey.

So u said wanna go fishing..then u msg her..but she alrdy dun like it..aiyah, anyway no purpose to write all these down. Why? because u 2 are alright again already..

Aiyah,dammit la..It's like quarrel quarrel..each blame themselves..then patch..then quarrel then patch..fuck la.

I see until fed up also already..dunno how u can tahan..

Then in the car on the way to bowling,u said what was the reason why u're upset..like once in awhile u wanna do the things tt u like,she also not supportive.. I actually wanted to tell u soooo many things..

If u were JUST a friend, i would have adviced u sooo much...how u shld treat her. How a girl thinks..stuff that will enhance the relationship between u 2..but how can i do that when im still sooo caught up by you?

Why in the world wld i wanna help u 2 get stronger!??!?!? So i said i had things to say but dunno how to say..Ended up advicing u a little la.. It's just soooo obvious that u 2 dun have similarities when it comes to hobbies..tts y the frequent quarrels.. But why dun u just see that?!??!

I wanted to blurt just tt point out..but held it back. U admitted in the car too, that u're a person who likes to be hong by people.. U like to be praised..U like attention..

Fuck. I know all that already.. And i know u're living off that because i shower all those on u! Not because i HAVE to..but because i WANT to... and so u're closer to me..But dont u realise yet that u're just making use of me this way? I need something from u too know.. I need your love..i want your concern.. I want u to want me!

That's when i sort of dropped a few tears on the way because i just cldnt bear it that i have to hold soo much back now. All the pain u're going through, be it with work or with her,..u dont even have to go through half of that if im with u!
I believe we'll have our own problems la..Our own set of topics to quarrel about..but at least i believe i know how to pamper u..and i think u know how to do the same for me..

Shit la...im just gonna concentrate on losing weight for now. Once i've hit the 8kg,im gonna tell u..I know it's gonna mess your world but i dun care..I just wanna give it this shot at getting my 'xing fu'...25years..i think i waited enough le..

I dun need a guy to take action first..let's see how fast this can happen..

Lesson x with liv.

Recently i feel that u're treating me a little more differently.. U're getting a little more touchy (i like! haha) and taking more initiative. In our msgs, u tend to quote me.. and when ppl ask questions, u sometimes ans on my behalf..Quite accurately too if i may add..

Here's the issue. Why am i still hung onto you still!?!??!

Today had a nice talking session with liv. Brought up the issue im having with u these days..
She made some comments.. Many of which are still running through my mind...

She said the pain which im feeling now is mostly self-created (i agree to a certain extend).
She said u're an asshole for playing with me. My feelings to be exact. (i kinda agree)
She said that it's unlikely that u do not know that i have something for you. And that u just want the best of both worlds so u still treat me this nicely. (agree.)

Seriously, at this point, i really dunno what and how to feel & think. Honestly, i wanna wait till ive lost the 8kg then speak to u abt it. Ask you exactly how u feel about me. Am i really only JUST a friend to you? Seriously?
I know this action comes with its consequences. U may say yes. We're just friends. Sry for misleading me. Byebye..
Or then we may end up being just weird around each other in office which i hope it doesnt ever happen.
Or u may actually feel something for me and end up being with ME! =)

Now the last option i of course like! Liv. asked me to feel what jess may be feeling..cos i said u dun really treat her that nice. So why stick with u? Then she said how will i feel and will i let go of someone who ive been with for 5years?

-thinks deep n long-

And the answer sucks! I hate it how the whole logical picture looks right now! I know to many, im a fool. Allowing u to play me like this. Acting all close to u..touching u. flirting with u..arrghhh..

Liv. asked if i realise that most of the times, im the one initiating (activities) with u rather than the other way round..And then the hard cold fact is, yes. Mostly im the one. Like the fact that today, after we left off frm lunch, u have not even dropped me a msg.. not ONE single msg.. This is AFTER we spent the WHOLE of yesterday together.. joking,working and enjoying together. Flirting too if i may add. Ytd was one of the day which i'll rate as the highest on the touch factor and flirting scale that we've shared. And this is your actions towards me..not what i usually do towards u..

So how can u be all touchy-feely one day and then back to we're-just-collegues the next?

Im seriously wondering how u feel towards me right now? How do u feel towards jess right now? How do u feel about the whole situation basically?

Proud that someone actually fancies u? Pride for your good looks? Happy for the attention?

Fuck.

I seriously know i shld heed liv's advice:
1) admit it
2) accept it
3) get over it

But at this point, im sorry to say that i cant. At this hour,like right now. I do hope to speak to u bluntly about it all one day.. Unless before the point that i lose the 8kg, i see the evidence or u somehow mentioned or show signs that u're just friends with me.
Right now, i think maybe i should alternate between treating u real nice and being just a normal friend (with NO benefits). Till further notice, i hope i can mantain my emotions under control..

Arrghhh... why is all this soooo hard??? Why cant u just be freaking single?!?!? Fuck!

I miss u baby

I like writting in this blog..I can really let go and be myself here cos noone else knows me..Or at least i hope till now,noone that i know is reading all these...My deepest thoughts..My most sincere feelings.. Why put it in the cyber world if i want it to stay secret then? Maybe cos im too darn lazy to write it out on paper with a pen? Maybe becos if i write it out, the chances of someone who i dun want prying my stuff may read it in the end! So yes,it's safer here if i just dun give out this url or lose my com..

So what's the update between us? Well, world cup ended just a few days ago. On sat night (early sundau morning to be exact), we went to watch it together. It was the 3rd n 4th placing match.. That morning u were already having the symptoms of being sick..But i joked and teased u for over-acting..Said u werent tt ill..not to fake it..hee. . .

Anyway let's skip to the part where u got really ill..Which is sunday..We did communicate over sms n a few calls on sun(mainly to discuss our scoccer bettings)..But since tt match,we have not met up..That comes up to a grand total of 4days!! Why? Cos yours truly passed your germs to me too! I think u alrdy had the virus within u on fri le..If i recall,we did share drinks on fri..But didnt on sat..So oh well.. I caught it..

Was on mc for tues n weds..u were on mc mon n tues..haha..so haven met since then..i think u have some course tmr morning n i have to leave for an appt early.. So i wonder if we'll meet tmr or only on fri..Wow! 4days is really the longest which we haven meet each other.. Even the CNY break,we met up after 2-3days i think..

Anyway i hope in this case, distance makes the heart fonder..have u seriously missed me? hheee. .. i know i teased u over the sms earlier regarding this..n u actually flirted back by saying that i missed u issit? Then asked me to admit it n dun need to be shy..

Stoopid dumb dumb..u know le why still have to ask.. I really hope for the day i can tell u this honest truth face to face.. Part of me dread tt day but part of me cant wait for it.. I know telling it out to u will destroy perhaps everything we've built up and are building up right now..

I know u'll have to re-access the situation with u n jess..U see! Even until now, i refuse to refer to her as your gf..! Im still soooo ignorant about how difficult this is all gonna be..

I know part of me knows that there's a very high chance that u'll want to keep things simple and leave them the way it is..Saying that your feelings for me are simpler one that u have for a FRIEND.. N i know that i cant stay simpler as a friend with you.. And after this then what? How can i face you? How do i communicate with you thereafter?

However if maybe..just maybe u feel the same way for me too..then it can be a total different and beautiful start to an amazing chapter for me? Im really hoping and praying for this to happen...I know liv. said that by even hoping, im actually thinking there's a possibility and so im gonna hurt more if the opposite happens..

You know what, i seriously hope i can lose the amt of weight im aiming at asap so that i can tell u..I want to do it before your house thing is confirmed..
Fuck! I pray that your ballot doesnt get through man! I really really think we can be great together..

You know seriously...I used to think BJs are disgusting..I remember even once promising myself that i'll never do a BJ for any guy not even my own husband... But then u came along..and everything changed.

Seriously, i would willingly do a BJ for u..Get in that compromising position to give u a few moments of pleasure? Why not? Cos i know u wun treat me like crap after tt..I dun think u're the wham-bam-thank-you-maam kind..

These days,when u sit next to me,like in the movies the other day...it takes soooooo much will-power to not turn and kiss u right there. On the cheeks or full-on on the lips..

Really..tons of times the last few days i really had to stop myself from reaching over n kissing u.. U've been more touchy with me too...this is of cos before we both got sick la..Im wondering if it's because u're just horny or are u really starting to feel more comfortable with me now..

Haizz..i know i shld not read too much into all of these..Honestly, it seems like u're having 2 gfs at the moment.. I know u humor me quite a bit these days.. But then again there's your official gf just there! Not sure if u're going out of your way to do this anot, but i realise these days u seldom speak abt her infront of me le..

So much so that i cant help but feel as if u 2 have broken up..Or more like u're single le..haizz..

I cant wait to see how we interact when we first meet again for the 1st time after so many days..Let's see what happens frm there.. I miss u baby..

Time to let go...again...

Macau & prayer

Wow! Macau was fun! Loved how i spent every minute there! Seriously..Every minute.. Company really matters huh.. hahah..

To memory, nothing really pissed me off or made me feel sad or irritated me too much.

I mainly hung out with wp,dest n amin on the 2nd day..3 guys 1 girl.. Pure pleasure..haha..why? Cos they dont bitch around and whine like girls.. Now i can really understand why some girls rather have lots of guy friends then female ones! This lot were fun to travel around with as well! =)

Yes yes,u already know that somehow this post will eventually have some extra stuff about him..
Actually was really glad the whole trip i was kinda with him mostly. Because most of my impt stuff like wallet n passport were with him. Cos i didnt bring a bag..heheh.. So was really cool not having to carry around much stuff.. =p

We shared almost most moments together.. Actually i was really glad for that..But towards the end, the fact tt you have tt gf again came to memory.. Dammit.. Was quite bummed out about it la.. I mean i really felt that, hey, it really feels good to be around and with you!

I liked how the way we walked together. Joked and laughed.. Shared cigg and water and basically anything else.. Only thing i sort of wished i did was to have a chance to rest on your shoulder! hahha..

So yah, i think basically we sort of 'used' each other during the past 3 days..Me using you as a imaginary bf..you using me as a replacement gf without the xtra benefits.. *wink wink* I would have wished to sneak in a friendly kiss if possible too..haiz..

Oh well,then reality set in. We touched down in spore last night around 10pm++ and as we were clearing customs, u called jess.. Oh well..

I somehow think that if i dont do something to get over you soon, im in for a major heartbreak! If i rmb correctly, you're gonna get your flat soon.. August or something..And im sooooo wishing that the bid will NOT get through. But knowing God's planning for me, you're most likely just gonna get it. And then i'll get all depressed and everything!

I already know it but i just cant seem to want to let you go yet. I really want to tell it out to you one day. To really declare my feelings for you. But im not sure will i have the guts to do so.. To tell it to you hoping that you'll accept my feelings for you. For u to make the move to let go of whatever you already have with jess.. Seriously, i pray that she'll find someone first and break up with u instead. Because from the way i see it, tts the only way something can happen between us. Otherwise u'll most likely just settle with and for her..

I seriously need to take action on this weight challenge thing. Once ive reached the weight im looking at, i'll declare to u.. Please let nothing good progress between u n her during this time.. Let me have my chance.. 2mths.. 2months and i hope im either over you or have the guts to tell it to u or you have already fallen for me and have told me your feelings first instead.. I wish and pray for the last one to come true!!!

Please let my prayer and wish come true! Whoever who reads this, please help me pray that i'll get this guy who i really really am falling helplessly for... Oh God..Please.. Just let my wish come true.. Just this once..