Lesson x with liv.

Recently i feel that u're treating me a little more differently.. U're getting a little more touchy (i like! haha) and taking more initiative. In our msgs, u tend to quote me.. and when ppl ask questions, u sometimes ans on my behalf..Quite accurately too if i may add..

Here's the issue. Why am i still hung onto you still!?!??!

Today had a nice talking session with liv. Brought up the issue im having with u these days..
She made some comments.. Many of which are still running through my mind...

She said the pain which im feeling now is mostly self-created (i agree to a certain extend).
She said u're an asshole for playing with me. My feelings to be exact. (i kinda agree)
She said that it's unlikely that u do not know that i have something for you. And that u just want the best of both worlds so u still treat me this nicely. (agree.)

Seriously, at this point, i really dunno what and how to feel & think. Honestly, i wanna wait till ive lost the 8kg then speak to u abt it. Ask you exactly how u feel about me. Am i really only JUST a friend to you? Seriously?
I know this action comes with its consequences. U may say yes. We're just friends. Sry for misleading me. Byebye..
Or then we may end up being just weird around each other in office which i hope it doesnt ever happen.
Or u may actually feel something for me and end up being with ME! =)

Now the last option i of course like! Liv. asked me to feel what jess may be feeling..cos i said u dun really treat her that nice. So why stick with u? Then she said how will i feel and will i let go of someone who ive been with for 5years?

-thinks deep n long-

And the answer sucks! I hate it how the whole logical picture looks right now! I know to many, im a fool. Allowing u to play me like this. Acting all close to u..touching u. flirting with u..arrghhh..

Liv. asked if i realise that most of the times, im the one initiating (activities) with u rather than the other way round..And then the hard cold fact is, yes. Mostly im the one. Like the fact that today, after we left off frm lunch, u have not even dropped me a msg.. not ONE single msg.. This is AFTER we spent the WHOLE of yesterday together.. joking,working and enjoying together. Flirting too if i may add. Ytd was one of the day which i'll rate as the highest on the touch factor and flirting scale that we've shared. And this is your actions towards me..not what i usually do towards u..

So how can u be all touchy-feely one day and then back to we're-just-collegues the next?

Im seriously wondering how u feel towards me right now? How do u feel towards jess right now? How do u feel about the whole situation basically?

Proud that someone actually fancies u? Pride for your good looks? Happy for the attention?

Fuck.

I seriously know i shld heed liv's advice:
1) admit it
2) accept it
3) get over it

But at this point, im sorry to say that i cant. At this hour,like right now. I do hope to speak to u bluntly about it all one day.. Unless before the point that i lose the 8kg, i see the evidence or u somehow mentioned or show signs that u're just friends with me.
Right now, i think maybe i should alternate between treating u real nice and being just a normal friend (with NO benefits). Till further notice, i hope i can mantain my emotions under control..

Arrghhh... why is all this soooo hard??? Why cant u just be freaking single?!?!? Fuck!