This is the end.
I think this will be a super long post. But i guess if this is gonna be one of the last entry about you. It's naturally gonna be long.. I cant believe it's been about close to 7months since i started to realise that im crazy over you!
7 months ago, i stupidly thought that perhaps you'll break up with your gf of 6years after u got to know me. Hah.. Or rather that perhaps u 2 will break up..be it over me or what la..
7 months ago, i started to fall for you because of how you made me feel. I fell for your charm. Your wits. Your wisdom. Your patience with me. I fell for who you were.
7 months later, i realise that perhaps you'll be like most guys--Settling for her, despite the obvious problems in your relationship just because you're comfortable. Plus she gives u sex too..
7 months later, i cry myself dry on most nights after i drop you off. I feel my so stupid everytime i see u touching Her. What's worse? The 'her' here does not even refer to your gf!!
k, let me track back a little to what has lead to this depression.
Late last month..26th to be exact.. We booked a ktv room for a district gathering to celebrate a couple of collegues birthday. That week had been really sucky for me. So i was already very down even before i reached st james.
So then when i got there, u all were chatting and i picked up you saying that because you're sending A home tt night, you cant drink much. Actually to be honest,i cant rmb what else you said there after. Because i was so damn hurt that you were intending to send HER home instead of me. And this was when all of us were still VERY sober! U WANTED to send HER home instead of me. ME! I sent u home ALL the time!! Our direction home were almost the same! If u said send us BOTh,then it wont have been so bad..Wait,things gets worse.. Damn,now writing this out..I feel like hating you soooo badly!
So i was affected by what you said. Then decided to spend most of the initial time speaking to my table buddy, D**t..We played games the whole time during the inital part. Alex joined in halfway. It was a stupid game. We drank quite abit. I did at least.
U were meanwhile drinking with the boss. So u got quite high as well. Then we two started playing 5-10.. Drank SO much~!! U forced fed me drinks at times. I did the same to u..We pushed..We touched..We joked.. We laughed..
Then SHE had to get all high and emotional because alex was around. She said she needed someone to bite. At this point, i was beside u on the right. She was on your left.
I saw her bite u. I think u didnt expect her to really bite.. But oh well.
You know what makes me sad as well.. I know she needed a shoulder that night..Im just sad that she chose yours especially when she knows you have something for her! I dont think she's doing this against me..but it sucks that she still did that even though she knows that i like you. Dammit.. this jealousy thing sucks big time!
After that i saw u putting your arm over her shoulder cos she was crying. Few days back i found out from you that she cried outside the toilet as well. And you hugged her there. U know what.. hearing that directly from your mouth makes my heart sour like the worse spoilt milk you can think of!
I was super upset u know! I couldnt take it that i had to use d**t to block me frm u.. I thght maybe that if i hugged D**t, i could take my mind off u. I thght that wld give me some comfort.
I know at one point when i was lying on D**t shoulder, u turned and saw me. But u didnt say anything. Not even till this day..
To cut the story of that night short, i was super upset after i saw u hug her in the room. So after puking one last time, i decided to go home. That was about 3am+.. I went home ALONE! fuck u!
I said bye before leaving. I think i purposely staggered abit while leaving. I was alrdy super high anyway..But did u follow? NOPE. She was still nxt to u. Instead i later found out that u sent D**t to follow me. I remember tt i cried on the way to the taxi stand.
Poor D was shocked..i cldnt help it la..I hated you soooo much at tt point. I hated her as well. I cant understand why she did that even thgh she knew how much it'll hurt me. But i know not everythin is about me eh?
Anyway so thereafter, i didnt really hang out with A frequently. I didnt even look at her much. The pain was too much to bear. I cldnt take it that she did what she did even though she knows very well how i felt about u. DIdnt she think by doing that,it'll hurt me like shit!/!?
But the blame isnt all on her anyway..Just that im bias in this situation so most of the anger went to her.
Then fastfoward to a few days back..I was prawning with you alone (very rare chance)..then we played a game. In the game,u disclosed that you liked A in the past. During the start (in oct2009)..
Hearing that..the truth of what i suspected hurt so soooo bad. I cldnt even show how i really felt. At tt point, i felt like crying. My heart felt dead.
I cant really carry on this entry for now...I really wanna just treat you like a normal friend. I NEED to learn how to treat u like one..I need to let go of you. I need to let go of this pain that u're giving me.
Ive been crying the past few days every time after i drop you off! Everytime i see u touch her. The knowledge that u liked/like her makes me feel like crap. I know that u said that u treat her like a sister now. But i say tts bull shit!
Worse shit is that she's not even yr gf! Im sooo affected by how u're treating A that suddenly it made me think that A is not even yr gf! And im jealous of that?!?! Then there's sitll your gf who i need to get jealous over...isnt that very sad?!??!
Im like..never. on your list! I just hate this sooo much!
Im sick of going all quiet whenever you 2 react. I hate it that u seem to know something but not saying it out. Over fb, i put this up after the ktv..
'You are not being replaced by him..I wanted you but your attention was elsewhere..tts why i felt so lost suddenly that day.. Too used to you being always around for me..Oh alright.. Fine, im jealous..Stupid,lousy feeling..'
You asked me who i was talking about..I really wish i cld tell u. I mean if u sort of know that i have something for u..then didnt u link two and two together n realise that perhaps i was talking about u??
Arghhh..i hate all these..i super pissed.. super messed up inside. Going back to those memories are draining me sooo much right now.. I hated what happened.. I really dunno how to act around u 2 these days. In fact we 3 have rarely spent time together like in the past le. I just cant take it. Not for now. Not till ive let go of u.
I want to throw temper at u. To ignore u. To make u feel my pain..But i think tt will just leave u confused. All this nonsense has been created by my own heart and mind. The fact that you had a gf right from the start was alrdy a sign for me to stay away.
Silly stupid me! Dumb ass! ahHHhhhHHhHh...i need a shoulder right now. I feel like crying..
7 months ago, i stupidly thought that perhaps you'll break up with your gf of 6years after u got to know me. Hah.. Or rather that perhaps u 2 will break up..be it over me or what la..
7 months ago, i started to fall for you because of how you made me feel. I fell for your charm. Your wits. Your wisdom. Your patience with me. I fell for who you were.
7 months later, i realise that perhaps you'll be like most guys--Settling for her, despite the obvious problems in your relationship just because you're comfortable. Plus she gives u sex too..
7 months later, i cry myself dry on most nights after i drop you off. I feel my so stupid everytime i see u touching Her. What's worse? The 'her' here does not even refer to your gf!!
k, let me track back a little to what has lead to this depression.
Late last month..26th to be exact.. We booked a ktv room for a district gathering to celebrate a couple of collegues birthday. That week had been really sucky for me. So i was already very down even before i reached st james.
So then when i got there, u all were chatting and i picked up you saying that because you're sending A home tt night, you cant drink much. Actually to be honest,i cant rmb what else you said there after. Because i was so damn hurt that you were intending to send HER home instead of me. And this was when all of us were still VERY sober! U WANTED to send HER home instead of me. ME! I sent u home ALL the time!! Our direction home were almost the same! If u said send us BOTh,then it wont have been so bad..Wait,things gets worse.. Damn,now writing this out..I feel like hating you soooo badly!
So i was affected by what you said. Then decided to spend most of the initial time speaking to my table buddy, D**t..We played games the whole time during the inital part. Alex joined in halfway. It was a stupid game. We drank quite abit. I did at least.
U were meanwhile drinking with the boss. So u got quite high as well. Then we two started playing 5-10.. Drank SO much~!! U forced fed me drinks at times. I did the same to u..We pushed..We touched..We joked.. We laughed..
Then SHE had to get all high and emotional because alex was around. She said she needed someone to bite. At this point, i was beside u on the right. She was on your left.
I saw her bite u. I think u didnt expect her to really bite.. But oh well.
You know what makes me sad as well.. I know she needed a shoulder that night..Im just sad that she chose yours especially when she knows you have something for her! I dont think she's doing this against me..but it sucks that she still did that even though she knows that i like you. Dammit.. this jealousy thing sucks big time!
After that i saw u putting your arm over her shoulder cos she was crying. Few days back i found out from you that she cried outside the toilet as well. And you hugged her there. U know what.. hearing that directly from your mouth makes my heart sour like the worse spoilt milk you can think of!
I was super upset u know! I couldnt take it that i had to use d**t to block me frm u.. I thght maybe that if i hugged D**t, i could take my mind off u. I thght that wld give me some comfort.
I know at one point when i was lying on D**t shoulder, u turned and saw me. But u didnt say anything. Not even till this day..
To cut the story of that night short, i was super upset after i saw u hug her in the room. So after puking one last time, i decided to go home. That was about 3am+.. I went home ALONE! fuck u!
I said bye before leaving. I think i purposely staggered abit while leaving. I was alrdy super high anyway..But did u follow? NOPE. She was still nxt to u. Instead i later found out that u sent D**t to follow me. I remember tt i cried on the way to the taxi stand.
Poor D was shocked..i cldnt help it la..I hated you soooo much at tt point. I hated her as well. I cant understand why she did that even thgh she knew how much it'll hurt me. But i know not everythin is about me eh?
Anyway so thereafter, i didnt really hang out with A frequently. I didnt even look at her much. The pain was too much to bear. I cldnt take it that she did what she did even though she knows very well how i felt about u. DIdnt she think by doing that,it'll hurt me like shit!/!?
But the blame isnt all on her anyway..Just that im bias in this situation so most of the anger went to her.
Then fastfoward to a few days back..I was prawning with you alone (very rare chance)..then we played a game. In the game,u disclosed that you liked A in the past. During the start (in oct2009)..
Hearing that..the truth of what i suspected hurt so soooo bad. I cldnt even show how i really felt. At tt point, i felt like crying. My heart felt dead.
I cant really carry on this entry for now...I really wanna just treat you like a normal friend. I NEED to learn how to treat u like one..I need to let go of you. I need to let go of this pain that u're giving me.
Ive been crying the past few days every time after i drop you off! Everytime i see u touch her. The knowledge that u liked/like her makes me feel like crap. I know that u said that u treat her like a sister now. But i say tts bull shit!
Worse shit is that she's not even yr gf! Im sooo affected by how u're treating A that suddenly it made me think that A is not even yr gf! And im jealous of that?!?! Then there's sitll your gf who i need to get jealous over...isnt that very sad?!??!
Im like..never. on your list! I just hate this sooo much!
Im sick of going all quiet whenever you 2 react. I hate it that u seem to know something but not saying it out. Over fb, i put this up after the ktv..
'You are not being replaced by him..I wanted you but your attention was elsewhere..tts why i felt so lost suddenly that day.. Too used to you being always around for me..Oh alright.. Fine, im jealous..Stupid,lousy feeling..'
You asked me who i was talking about..I really wish i cld tell u. I mean if u sort of know that i have something for u..then didnt u link two and two together n realise that perhaps i was talking about u??
Arghhh..i hate all these..i super pissed.. super messed up inside. Going back to those memories are draining me sooo much right now.. I hated what happened.. I really dunno how to act around u 2 these days. In fact we 3 have rarely spent time together like in the past le. I just cant take it. Not for now. Not till ive let go of u.
I want to throw temper at u. To ignore u. To make u feel my pain..But i think tt will just leave u confused. All this nonsense has been created by my own heart and mind. The fact that you had a gf right from the start was alrdy a sign for me to stay away.
Silly stupid me! Dumb ass! ahHHhhhHHhHh...i need a shoulder right now. I feel like crying..
posted by Joyz at 10:29 AM
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