Unwelcomed arrival

Because today is our day off, you decided to go fishing at some wu loo sami place in tamp..we've been here previously to prawn but not to fish..

Anyway so now close to the last hour of the 5hrs, u've yet to catch any!! Sad loh..

Worse thing, halfway through your gf decided to come.. i didnt even know that she's on half-day leave loh.. Apparantly she purposely took half day to accompany you. She even took a cab in to this place loh..

Actually if i know she's coming, i wun even come de loh. Or if i know she's on leave i would probably ask u not to come fishing instead de.. However u seemed to be surprised when i asked if she's coming all this way out.. Aiyoh,i just hate it that she's around and im around..

And she can do the things with u that i cant.. argghhh...

HAte this.. but then again im enjoying the surroundings.. So calm and peaceful! =)

whatever~

All good things must come to an end? Why?

As i attempt to start off this entry, im once again filled with sadness.. and yes,it still has something to do with him..

Actually the past 2weeks, ever since tt sun/mon issue (frm last entry), we've gotten closer and closer. The teasing and whacking each other has increased. The time we spent together has gone up like..wow~ We also msg each other alot more times..day or night..

Haiz..but regardless so, sometimes reality just whacks me on the head real hard..And then i remember that he has a gf.. Who he intends to marry. Who he intends to buy a house with. Whose family is almost like his own..Who arghh dammit! Bullshit about the intends to buy a house with. It's already like BOUGHT a house with le..

Arrghh dammit la! I hate it when i get really emo like this! I mean i KNOW that he has her le.. And this time he's like damn serious about her. But somehow, i dunno why am i still pinning on the hope that perhaps if i lose lots of weight..or perhaps if he realises that he enjoys spending time with me more than her..or perhaps if he finds out that i like him after all the above is fullfilled then perhaps..just perhaps, he'll decide to break up with her and be with me instead? All these loads of perhaps is just making me sick! Esp right now..

Esp after we're spending sooo much time together that im getting sooo used to him again.. Do you know how many times when he's sitting next to me, i just feel like leaning over and kiss him..Do u know how when he slept in the car next to me as i drove tt day, how much i wanted to just stop driving and watch him sleep? Do u know how often i pray sooooo hard soo hard that he'll be my boyfriend?

Yes,i no longer am infactuated by his every move. I think ive moved out of that phrase. But i am still very attracted by some attributes of his character..

Sadly, i can only love and appreciate them as a friend. I think he's made it quite clear during one of our past conversation. When i asked him what are my strengths? He said easy-going,bubbly friendly. Can keep as a friend.. Dunno whether i think too much or what, but he seemed to keep emphasizing the keep as a FRIEND part.. haizz...

I dunno la.. Just got home abt 1hr ago frm our dinner-then-prawning session, and u've yet to msg me to ask if im home.. This is the 1st time u've 'forgotten' in a long while to msg me that.. And i wonder what has gotten your attention..

haiizz... I still dont understand why im pinning for u sooo much. Am i a bitch for praying that u'll b my boyfriend despite knowing that u have a steady gf? Am i an asshole for wanting you..For wanting you to help me fulfill the happiness which i have been waiting for so long..

Sometimes i really wonder.. When you are with me.. Laughing. Joking.. having fun..Are u thinking about her? I have your physical state with me..But so what?!?! Your heart and mind are with her.. haaiizz..

I wonder how im gonna fair when i get to macau and spend sooo much more time with u then..oh well, pretty heartbroken now.. Think best to go and sleep and forget everything for now..God Bless me Please...

Follow up

It's been one week since i wrote the last entry. One week ago when i decided that i shouldnt put out soooo much for him anymore.

Actually last sun night, we went out for dinner. Cos he went back office for calling then apparantly his calling sucked. He seemed super emo and upset so i heart-soft again. Then asked if he wanted to go out for drinks/dinner together.

So somehow cos everywhere was crowded, we went to bottletree (park i think) where there was prawning. We decided to prawn for 1hr..Caught 6 prawns..Chatted abit about work..General stuff.

Then we went for supper near your place cos for some reason i was starving as i drove u home.. We chatted somemore and then the subject of birthdays came up. Lo and behold..u FORGOT my birthday! This is despite me telling u before that your bday and mine is +3 for both the month and day.. And what's worse, u remembered HERS. A's bday to be exact. BOTH the date and month.

You know how much hurt tt brought!?!? Haha..but i made sure you were aware of the hurt..how? haha..this im quite proud of myself!

So we parted tt night with me saying you very pian xin. No heart and all.. U asked me to msg u when i reach hm and i said dun need. Not friend. Dun need to act concerned.

Then the next day we were during survey at NP.. U called to say your shoe spoilt. U said u wanted to go anchorpoint buy shoe but no money. I told u to go ask A since u sooooooo *teng* her..(sayang her in chinese) Said u shld ask the person who you care soo much for. That i cant be bothered with u anymore. Then we hanged up..

Much later, u msged saying that u know tt i still dote on you. Pui.. Know already still sooooo mean to me! Bloody hell..

Anyway for the rest of the week, barely got a chance to see and speak to you thereafter. We went for appts at different places on most days. Then on thurs u were sick. On fri my appt was elsewhere and u were still sick so u went home early. This whole week, i didnt see u in the night except mon for calling.

U called me on thurs evening saying tt your hp has been cut off cos u didnt pay bill. Once again i started to xin luan (heart-soft) again. Then i remembered that u loaned her money. So then all the pain started to seep in again.

No money le still wanna lend others. Hmmpphh.. I know i really wanna help u out. And anyway today i did mentioned to u to go calculate how much u need to re-start the line. If need help let me know.. I know u got ego. So let's see if u do approach me in the end.

I dont want to be just an ATM for u..dammit! Right now i somehow get this feeling that you're nice to me cos u see how i can help u out financially. But i think the best judge would be when u get your edp money nxt mth. Let's see if u still bother with me then.

Im quite proud of myself in my resistence to stay away from you and not bother myself too much with u esp since tt sun incident. I barely msged u 1st on all occasions. And mostly, u approached me for conversation first. So yes,in a way im making progress.

But in many ways im still hurting inside! I soooo want to be all friendly and crazy with you. But i know if i do that, i'll fall all crazy in love with u again! And im sick of feeling sad over u..So for now it'll be abstinence and self-resistance.

I just need to learn how to treat u like a friend. (This friend is still in crazy love with u ..haiz. . . )

This is the end.

I think this will be a super long post. But i guess if this is gonna be one of the last entry about you. It's naturally gonna be long.. I cant believe it's been about close to 7months since i started to realise that im crazy over you!

7 months ago, i stupidly thought that perhaps you'll break up with your gf of 6years after u got to know me. Hah.. Or rather that perhaps u 2 will break up..be it over me or what la..

7 months ago, i started to fall for you because of how you made me feel. I fell for your charm. Your wits. Your wisdom. Your patience with me. I fell for who you were.

7 months later, i realise that perhaps you'll be like most guys--Settling for her, despite the obvious problems in your relationship just because you're comfortable. Plus she gives u sex too..

7 months later, i cry myself dry on most nights after i drop you off. I feel my so stupid everytime i see u touching Her. What's worse? The 'her' here does not even refer to your gf!!

k, let me track back a little to what has lead to this depression.

Late last month..26th to be exact.. We booked a ktv room for a district gathering to celebrate a couple of collegues birthday. That week had been really sucky for me. So i was already very down even before i reached st james.

So then when i got there, u all were chatting and i picked up you saying that because you're sending A home tt night, you cant drink much. Actually to be honest,i cant rmb what else you said there after. Because i was so damn hurt that you were intending to send HER home instead of me. And this was when all of us were still VERY sober! U WANTED to send HER home instead of me. ME! I sent u home ALL the time!! Our direction home were almost the same! If u said send us BOTh,then it wont have been so bad..Wait,things gets worse.. Damn,now writing this out..I feel like hating you soooo badly!

So i was affected by what you said. Then decided to spend most of the initial time speaking to my table buddy, D**t..We played games the whole time during the inital part. Alex joined in halfway. It was a stupid game. We drank quite abit. I did at least.

U were meanwhile drinking with the boss. So u got quite high as well. Then we two started playing 5-10.. Drank SO much~!! U forced fed me drinks at times. I did the same to u..We pushed..We touched..We joked.. We laughed..

Then SHE had to get all high and emotional because alex was around. She said she needed someone to bite. At this point, i was beside u on the right. She was on your left.

I saw her bite u. I think u didnt expect her to really bite.. But oh well.
You know what makes me sad as well.. I know she needed a shoulder that night..Im just sad that she chose yours especially when she knows you have something for her! I dont think she's doing this against me..but it sucks that she still did that even though she knows that i like you. Dammit.. this jealousy thing sucks big time!

After that i saw u putting your arm over her shoulder cos she was crying. Few days back i found out from you that she cried outside the toilet as well. And you hugged her there. U know what.. hearing that directly from your mouth makes my heart sour like the worse spoilt milk you can think of!

I was super upset u know! I couldnt take it that i had to use d**t to block me frm u.. I thght maybe that if i hugged D**t, i could take my mind off u. I thght that wld give me some comfort.
I know at one point when i was lying on D**t shoulder, u turned and saw me. But u didnt say anything. Not even till this day..

To cut the story of that night short, i was super upset after i saw u hug her in the room. So after puking one last time, i decided to go home. That was about 3am+.. I went home ALONE! fuck u!

I said bye before leaving. I think i purposely staggered abit while leaving. I was alrdy super high anyway..But did u follow? NOPE. She was still nxt to u. Instead i later found out that u sent D**t to follow me. I remember tt i cried on the way to the taxi stand.
Poor D was shocked..i cldnt help it la..I hated you soooo much at tt point. I hated her as well. I cant understand why she did that even thgh she knew how much it'll hurt me. But i know not everythin is about me eh?


Anyway so thereafter, i didnt really hang out with A frequently. I didnt even look at her much. The pain was too much to bear. I cldnt take it that she did what she did even though she knows very well how i felt about u. DIdnt she think by doing that,it'll hurt me like shit!/!?

But the blame isnt all on her anyway..Just that im bias in this situation so most of the anger went to her.

Then fastfoward to a few days back..I was prawning with you alone (very rare chance)..then we played a game. In the game,u disclosed that you liked A in the past. During the start (in oct2009)..

Hearing that..the truth of what i suspected hurt so soooo bad. I cldnt even show how i really felt. At tt point, i felt like crying. My heart felt dead.

I cant really carry on this entry for now...I really wanna just treat you like a normal friend. I NEED to learn how to treat u like one..I need to let go of you. I need to let go of this pain that u're giving me.

Ive been crying the past few days every time after i drop you off! Everytime i see u touch her. The knowledge that u liked/like her makes me feel like crap. I know that u said that u treat her like a sister now. But i say tts bull shit!

Worse shit is that she's not even yr gf! Im sooo affected by how u're treating A that suddenly it made me think that A is not even yr gf! And im jealous of that?!?! Then there's sitll your gf who i need to get jealous over...isnt that very sad?!??!

Im like..never. on your list! I just hate this sooo much!

Im sick of going all quiet whenever you 2 react. I hate it that u seem to know something but not saying it out. Over fb, i put this up after the ktv..
'You are not being replaced by him..I wanted you but your attention was elsewhere..tts why i felt so lost suddenly that day.. Too used to you being always around for me..Oh alright.. Fine, im jealous..Stupid,lousy feeling..'

You asked me who i was talking about..I really wish i cld tell u. I mean if u sort of know that i have something for u..then didnt u link two and two together n realise that perhaps i was talking about u??

Arghhh..i hate all these..i super pissed.. super messed up inside. Going back to those memories are draining me sooo much right now.. I hated what happened.. I really dunno how to act around u 2 these days. In fact we 3 have rarely spent time together like in the past le. I just cant take it. Not for now. Not till ive let go of u.

I want to throw temper at u. To ignore u. To make u feel my pain..But i think tt will just leave u confused. All this nonsense has been created by my own heart and mind. The fact that you had a gf right from the start was alrdy a sign for me to stay away.

Silly stupid me! Dumb ass! ahHHhhhHHhHh...i need a shoulder right now. I feel like crying..