Fast forward to Mr & Mrs

Oh wow!!!
The other day you mentioned that this blog of mine is nicer in your opinion as it's mainly about you or something like it's because I write nicer stuff abt you...

Hahah.... N I was shocked when I checked out the last entry of this blog! It was soooooooo long ago!!

Back then, we weren't even together! All that pinning.. That uncertainty... That dreams of forming a family with you!

Wow..... N fast foward a few years, it's 2014... Sept 2014! And here we are! Married for more than a year alrdy!

Amazing how clueless we are about the future and what surprises it holds!

The decisions we make that lead to outcomes which we may favour or hate...

But just based on 2 posts back, I think what I have now wld be something thAt me of nov 2010 wld envy and pray for.

I'm glad of where we are now and all that we have sacrificed to be here..

I love you my dear BB chia! V happy to be able to call you mine!! *muacks*

It's frustrating.....

On days like these when i finally can use the computer in peace, my nose goes crazy and i totally dun even get the mood to want to type much.. Let alone think about and write all the things that have been swimming around in my head all these while...

I have tons to blog about how happy i am with you...
To blog about the simple joy i get from just being around you...
About the laughter we share over silly things...
About the way u make me sooo frustrated by some things you do...
About some of the dumb things that have worried me....
About how i can still feel soooo comfortable with you after knowing so much more about you..

Haizz...see la, cant stop the stupid nose from leaking...THis is it for now.. Cant concentrate and type more le..haizz...

Till the next time la.. I love you my dear!!

Thank You b...

At a time like this... All i can say is... Thank You!

Thank you for your care..
For your concern...
For your understanding...
For just being around..

For listening to me when i complain..
For giving me suggestions during my 'dumb' moments...
For showing me a way out when i feel so trapped...
For just being around...

For making my happy moments happier...
For removing the pain of my current challenges..
For bringing fun back into my career..
For just being around...

Thank you my dear for just being YOU!


Words cannot describe how thankful i am to have you with me..Here.. Now...
Thank you my dear BB... *muacks muacks muacks* *koala bear hugzz*

=)

Nice weekend..

This has been kinda of a nice weekend. Despite the terrible cold n headache n sore throat, yup, it has been nice.

Was almost dying on fri..but went through all my appts for the day after some persuasion from you.. Digressing for abit...i cant believe there's barely 1 week left before the financial year of 2010 ends! OMG! And im still abt 9k away! A great improvement from the initial 15k la..but oh God! 9k is still hUgE man! =s

Anyway on fri, u and D came over my place for dinner and to hang out. Cos 1stly i was kinda too ill to wanna hang out outside..and 2ndly i needed to finish up writing tt case so that u can pass the boss the nxt day..
And honestly, i really liked tt.. Just hanging out at home... Watching tv for abit..Eating dinner together.. If only the folks did not come home sooo early! But Funny part was the moments in the kitchen when u were heating up the food and cooking yr maggi.. hahah.. You know how much im willing to pay to just grow old with u, seeing you do tt in our own house??

Haiz...sometimes thinking these sort of things can make me sooo happy. But other times, it just gets me so bloody upset. Why? Cos i know that yr heart is still with her..
The only thing i still dun understand is why?!??! Maybe tts why they say love is blind?

I mean our conversations..our thoughts.. views of things in life..view of the future...expectations..ive never spoken to anyoNE..anyone be it female or male who have almost an 80% similarity of mindset as myself in the past 25years of my life!!! And im not even kidding abt tt!


Ok, my train of thought has been distracted cos im msging u right now...

Anyway all i wanna say is that this weekend has been kinda of nice... Kinda really stressed by the timeline n target n all tt shit..But what's different this year from the previous times when i was running for such thing is that there's YOU... n you really cannot imagine the amount of pressure you've somehow managed to remove from this situation by just being around.
Just knowing that u're running along side with me right now for MDC..and aso just being around to hear u complain or for me to complain to is just such comfort that i didnt have in the past. I mean i cldnt really complain to liv. abt such things previously..i mean i did but i cldnt complain too much cos she'll just ngiam back at me and tt wasnt what i wanted..

So yes...im really really glad that you're around..
k, im gonna cut this entry short cos i suddenly have the urge to go think up more ideas of how to clear the remainding amount..

But i'll end by saying that recently this thought came to mind...
"You're like a gift from Heaven and a curse from hell..."

mmmmm....

我真得不明白。。。

- Why u still cant understand that even though in a relationship, both parties much compromise at times..But it's just WRONG to have to all the time for simple stuff like what activity to do!
- Why u cant see that u enjoy spending more time with me (and D)
- How u 2 are going to enjoy married life with the way things are between u to now..(like i fuck care abt that)

Arghhh...actually i do for the last one. Why? Cos i care for u. That's why!
Why marry someone who doesnt even enjoy doing the stuff that u enjoy? I mean it doesnt have to be everything that u do. But even part or some aso rarely!

I know that u're an easy going person at times. I know that currently it it very obvious that ive became like yr activity buddy...But u think i still wanna do this when u're officially married to her？ Oh God, i really hope it smacks u real hard in the head to realise that all this will end if that is yr decision..

I know it's not morally right to wish u two will break up. But why are u two even keeping something that is obviously soooo wrong???!?! If u still treasure it, then work on it man! U two seem to just life your our lives..both so busy with your own stuff..It's simple amusing and ridiculous to even call this a relationship la..

All the pain/frutration that u're going through to make things work between u 2, half of this is not even neccessary with me.. I was surprised when D said u wanted to watch movie 2nite too.. See! Yet another point to note that at least 80% of the time, we have similiar things we wanna do. Be it at work or for play.. And u cant fucking see that yet?

arghhhhh......

He's aware...

Just found out recently that u actually do read my other blog.. U actually do keep yrself quite update with it too.. And im SURPRISED!

Really..cos before this, i didnt really know if u do read it anot.. But now that i know, sometimes i have to think twice about the things i write..

Like part of me wants u to know how i feel. Yet part of me questions if this is the right time to let u know this and this..Or should i let know how i feel abt that.. or is this the right time to go into the whole analysing yr relationship thingy and what we have between us.

Anyway i still do type some stuff about u here and there.. Some personal comments.. But so far u acted like as if u didnt know those comments were about you. U mentioned abt the main gist of each entry yet not going into the part where i typed abt u.. So i wonder......

Do u know... If u do, how does this make u feel?
I guess if i were you, i'll feel honoured that someone even feels this way about me. Yet at the same time, probably digusted or frustrated cos i dun have the same type of feeling for tt person. So dunno how to let that person down.
But i think for us, we have soooo much in common that at times i feel that some of the things u do to me or with me, can be avoided if u dun really feel anything for me in that sense.

I mean dun touch me or massage my shoulders or arm or anything.. just dun touch me. Perhaps i'll feel damn lousy when that starts to happen. I'll miss touching u.. Feeling u.. But i guess if this is how it'll end up eventually then perhaps this pain will have to come sooner or later eh?

Haiz.. Such a thing, i really feel like putting on the other blog just to see how u'll react. But i dun dare. I still dun think i can tahan u being so 'away' frm me..
As it is, after yr grandmother's wake last week...I feel sooo pissed off with you that i think some things have changed between us.
I dun feel that happy with some of the things u do anymore. I judge your actions with more critic.. I feel really piss when i feel that u're using me.. I move away from u at times cos i think i need to learn how to handle that.

And somehow i feel that u know what im doing. I know u feel hurt or upset by it too.. At times we get back right where we were. And then i remind myself that u didnt even msg me ONCE during the 5days wake except the 1st day or when i msged u first..

And then i wonder what all that meant? That i was just a friend? Just someone u can make use of.. Or just use for company whenever u need it... I hate it that u can live without me and yet my life is kinda revolved around you! Dammit..

I hate it that we click yet i need to change so that i dun keep thinking we do.. i pissed till i wanna sleep now..

Good night cyberworld..

Great week...

Wow..this week is really one a better week for me.. In terms of work, not that bad..in terms of us (hah! as if we're really an 'US'!), it's also been really comfy and nice...

I mean the whole week we basically spent all the nights together. And does that make me happy? In many ways, YES...in some, im kinda sad.. I mean from time to time i'll hear u speaking to her or i know that she is messaging u.. And i know that even though u are with me in person, i dun have your heart.

I just dont understand why is it that you cant see that you are really enjoying yourself more with me.. I mean if u DO know, then why are you still not intending to change anything?

Are u taking me for fucking granted.. that i'll be around always.. That u can do the stuff which u enjoy, and just nice i enjoy too, then when u need some fucking romance, u find her cos tts already established between u two..

Some days i just wish im strong enough to walk away from all these..Some days i just like the way things are between us right now. So comfortable with each other. The way u touch me. Pamper me.. Then suddenly, she comes into mind and i feel all fucked up again.

Sometimes i wish she wasnt around. Sometimes i wish it were just us 2. Now i really wish that she'll find someone who loves her more n then leave this v wrong relationship..

As a friend i really think that things are really not right between the 2 of you. But then again it's the both of you who are in the relationship. And if she's ok with it then who m i to say anything... I just feel that perhaps..just perhaps, i can help us progress further together.

I think if we get together, we'll get soooo much further ahead in life, in our career, in our thinking..in our material assets and alot of other stuff la..

Haiz..I still do have feelings for u..I realise that things will not change de.. Very soon, u will probably ask her THE question and i'll be crushed to pieces.. Somehow i dont want that day to come. Somehow i think that perhaps when tt day comes, i can fully let go off u and this pain.

Maybe then i can move away from u both emtionally and physically. And if that hurts you, oh well, it was YouR choice..

I hate it the way things are right now in some sense.. I just hope one day, i'll have the chance to hold u in my arms,look you in the eyes and tell u that i love u.. I pray for the day to come..I pray for the day i can truly call you my own,wp.. I pray for the day that i can become your girlfriend and baby and eventually your wife..

haIZZ...emo-ing again..