Great week...

Wow..this week is really one a better week for me.. In terms of work, not that bad..in terms of us (hah! as if we're really an 'US'!), it's also been really comfy and nice...

I mean the whole week we basically spent all the nights together. And does that make me happy? In many ways, YES...in some, im kinda sad.. I mean from time to time i'll hear u speaking to her or i know that she is messaging u.. And i know that even though u are with me in person, i dun have your heart.

I just dont understand why is it that you cant see that you are really enjoying yourself more with me.. I mean if u DO know, then why are you still not intending to change anything?

Are u taking me for fucking granted.. that i'll be around always.. That u can do the stuff which u enjoy, and just nice i enjoy too, then when u need some fucking romance, u find her cos tts already established between u two..

Some days i just wish im strong enough to walk away from all these..Some days i just like the way things are between us right now. So comfortable with each other. The way u touch me. Pamper me.. Then suddenly, she comes into mind and i feel all fucked up again.

Sometimes i wish she wasnt around. Sometimes i wish it were just us 2. Now i really wish that she'll find someone who loves her more n then leave this v wrong relationship..

As a friend i really think that things are really not right between the 2 of you. But then again it's the both of you who are in the relationship. And if she's ok with it then who m i to say anything... I just feel that perhaps..just perhaps, i can help us progress further together.

I think if we get together, we'll get soooo much further ahead in life, in our career, in our thinking..in our material assets and alot of other stuff la..

Haiz..I still do have feelings for u..I realise that things will not change de.. Very soon, u will probably ask her THE question and i'll be crushed to pieces.. Somehow i dont want that day to come. Somehow i think that perhaps when tt day comes, i can fully let go off u and this pain.

Maybe then i can move away from u both emtionally and physically. And if that hurts you, oh well, it was YouR choice..

I hate it the way things are right now in some sense.. I just hope one day, i'll have the chance to hold u in my arms,look you in the eyes and tell u that i love u.. I pray for the day to come..I pray for the day i can truly call you my own,wp.. I pray for the day that i can become your girlfriend and baby and eventually your wife..

haIZZ...emo-ing again..

Lousy date huh?hah!

Ok..as a follow up post, according to him, he did type a msg to send me tt morning when i wasnt in..However due to his faulty hp, the msg got stuck in the draft box without him realising and he didnt notice till he was on the way home. But felt tt it was too late to send it already so didnt send..

Oh well..truth or not.. i dun want to dig deeper..

Anyway quite a few things happened between us this week. On mon i was on mc.. tues didnt get to see u much i think. Then think it was tues or wed that i spoke pretty heart-to-heart with you.

We talked about why u are acting sooo weirdly these days. Like mostly on your own n stuff..u shared quite abit.. Think we sort of got some stuff settled like how u shld take the initiative to mingle with the rest first since right now, u are in the minority group.

Anyway was kinda nice just chatting with you over the phone.. Feels warm n comfy.. U were honest mostly i guess so the conversation was both ways..which is nice i feel.

Anyway then came thurs which was a sucker! Fuck man..
fell back into the depression cycle bcos of u again!

Went to a wedding..then meant to meet u n dest to go prawning..Your PRINCESS as u put it didnt want to prawn so u asked if it were ok if we went to watch a movie.. at tt point of time, i shld have backed out but my car was with u.. So decided to just go.

WrONG MOVE! Fuck.. anyway it was a screwed up night. See her face already fed up.. She aso like not happy the whole time. Heard frm des. tt u 2 quarelled quite abit over what to do..aiyah, i cant be bothered le la..

Quarrel quarrel patch patch.. Fuck up la!

Anyway so 2nite u're with her..went to ps to look at iphone or something.. And halfway thrgh my dinner, u called me..checking on the price of the clear plastic folder which i bought..So random ..mentally i know it's probably nothing, but im gonna insist tt it was just an excuse to call me n see what im doing n where i was..
=p


Then around 2hrs later, mama called me saying u sent her a msg asking if got yummy food for u.. And there i was thinking to myself, 'waahh..is she soooo boring that u have to msg MY mama to keep urself happy? And what are u thinking abt messaging my mama instead of ME?!?!!!!'

hahha..so oh well, just wanna gloat tt perhaps things arent all tt interesting between u 2 le huh..
Aiyah, dear ping...please wake up la..cant u see that she's not meant for u???

Someone who is meant to be together dun need to quarrel all the time. And conversation is fine just between u 2..dun need to resort to finding others de...
haizz..wake up buddy wake up!!

Missing u again.. fuck...

Sick..MC..

Im on MC today.. Feeling much much better now after 2 full days of sleep.. Seriously didnt know im capable of doing that..

Have i been sooo lacked of sleep? Pure lazy? I think it's the former la.. too much playing and messed up thoughts these past few weeks n months..

Anyway till now, 7pm, u bloody unconcerned fellow still haven msg me to see if im alright..or just to check in on me.. why why why?!??!!??1 Friend aso dun need to be like tt mah...Check in with a simple msg like 'Better?'..just ONE word aso cannot meh?

Oh God, please... i just want 1 msg from him tonight.. Why? Just so that i know he cares for me..as a friend..i know it's nothing more than that.. I may be blinded by my love for him, but im not dumb.. Not dumb enough to not be clear that he doesnt like me in the 'romantic' sense..


So God please...as the Bang is going on in the background, i apologise for not being able to fast these past few days..I pray that i'll recover soon.. And i pray that You'll spark a thought into his mind to msg me to see how im doing..

It's very simple..Please. Please answer this simple prayer of mine... Ameen...

Dinner n chat

I just had dinner with you today.. It was nice as usual. Simple, casual talk through-out..nothing too heavy.

Though many times i wanted to bring out the 'heavier' topic. But tooo sick right now to talk tt out..Plus the place wasnt right too..

Anyway we went to JB ytd night..was great fun! Really liked the way we hang out la..honestly, to deep in my core, i still like hanging out with u sometimes la.. Of cos sometimes i knw i'll hold myself back..

Recently, things have gotten better i guess. I can handle myself around u much better. I guess im learning to stop myself from seeing u as a potential for more than a friend. I know nowadays, i really am thinking of u JUST as a friend.

I bring jess up in some conversations..though not always in a good light la..heehhe..Mean i know. Haiz, come to think of it.. If she suspects something or feels jealous, i think im really a bitch in her eyes huh?>

Wow..me being the BITCH.. the THIRD party..woaah..never thought i'll ever end up in this position..oh gosh..

Anyway thrgh casual chat, u even admitted that u n her have nt many common hobbies..God,what kind of a relationship is that?!??! How to get married like tt sia~?

I sometimes feel like slapping u awake frm this..How can u just settle for a relationship where u quarrel half the time(yr fault in my opinion) and u two have no matching hobbies?!?!

Only think i can think of is that she's really good to u and u remember that..and she's good in bed? hahhah..me and my HB mind! hah.

COnfession: i peeked at your messages today..then saw something she sent u ytd when we were still in jb.. One of the sms was her saying that she's worried for u cos u're nt in spore and it was late. -_-|||

Then something abt how u two are meant for each other n have things in common cos both looking older cos not enough proper rest... oh puleezee..like tt alot of ppl aso have things in common n meant for each other lo..God~

Then saw something tt caught my eye but didnt have time to read tt cos u appeared.. saw the word 'galfriend'..im wondering if she was refering to me or am i just being paranoid.. i mean i almost got the feel now that she senses something n yup,im on the 'watch-tt-bitch' monitor..

I know i shld probably spend lesser time with u..we're covering up sooooo much of our activities these days..Me hiding the fact tt im with u sometimes from the other fellows cos they know how much ive hurt over u..And the fact tt they think u're a jerk for making use of me in this way..

Then u hiding frm jess that we're together doing activities n stuff..feels weird y we have to do this if we're just friends hanging out..

We are right? Just friends? Have i messed things up too much?? ohh dear...

Praying for strength to move away from you once again..Please don't let me be affected by your charm..Let me be strong. Give me the willpower to be on my own. Show me love from someone who truly cares for me.. Oh God, see me through this tough times.. Ameen...