first entry 2009!

I realised that earlier this month i had a draft entry for this blog but it was not published cos it was written halfway. Anyway i still cant believe it's already april and it's the first entry for 2009.

I guess ever since the closig of last financial year, things have been going downhill. Dec & Jan were failure months. Low production. Bad attitude. Holiday mood. Then Feb cant really rmb what happened. Think was barely decent. March was spent angry again because he made us come in at 8.30am everyday. Spent alot of money tt month on movies and singing. Learnt many songs that month too!haha

April,the unhappiness was brought up to him by Win & E.. We had a series of discussions on what can be done to make the working environment happier a.k.a make us happy. Knowing him, the discussion was taken badly by him. He felt that we didnt understand him. Trying to change too much. Never look at the big picture.

Last week saw Ron. & Noel. leaving the business! Cant believe it! Actually i knew it was gonna happen but didnt expect it to happen so soon and in this way. They sent in an email to resign. c.c the big names and all! Admire their guts.

Anyway then last week after another of my outburst,am now going through coaching as if almost like a newbie.

Haiz.. I've been going through a really bad pms stage. The pre was terrible. Mood swings worse than . . .i cant think of a good comparison! It's THAT bad!

Like now, im really upset that i couldnt go see botak 2nite. And that i cldnt find anyone to go watch a movie with as well! I mean it's not often that i get a saturday night to spend on my own.

I dunno what's happening to me. I know i shldnt get upset over the little things. But recently, every single little issue can get me down! Up is usually a little more difficult. Unless i prep myself a whole long while before hand. This really really sucks! Is it just the hormones of is this the beginning stage of something bad happening in me? Am i going crazy? hahha..losing control of one's mind! Maybe it DOES run in the family! Now, how sad would that be!

Anyway let's talk about happier things..or maybe just semi-happier.

Botak. =)

I find comfort in his voice. Music really can calm the soul. My soul at least. Im glad we found such a person many many months before all these unhappiness and lack of emotional control happened.

We came across botak and he sorta caught my attention. Looks decent. Nice voice. Shy but funny sometimes. Not hilarious funny just quirky funny at times.

Then somehow we managed to find out the other places he gigs at. Appear at those places from time to time in hopes that he'll remember us.

Sooo during the week of my bday, we went to our usual monday hangout and liv. decided to write up a dedication. And now he remembers my name (he's real bad with name btw!),knows us by face and takes the effort to talk to us after the set.

At least that was what happened the few times we went by to hang out ever since my bday. He's kinda nice. Sings full time! As in this is his ONLY job! We sorta suspect that he's still single (as in not married) but i still have no idea about anything else.

It's been a tough one week. With pms and all other issues at work. So when we went on the recent monday, we didnt seat indoors as usual and so werent able to chat with him!

I know everytime i perk myself up for a potential, im just in fact digging a deeper hole to fall into! I know it will NEVER be possible between us. Maybe not never but the chances are almost negative. He's 35 btw! And even if age doesnt matter, he seems content for the way things are.

Sometimes i cant help but think that maybe if i were prettier or thinner or whatever(!) then maybe falling in love or finding a decent guy would not be this difficult! But then im thankful that God placed other pretty & thin people in my life too who are still single.

But God! These people ever experienced what it was like to be In love. Im tired of wanting to be in love. Or falling in love with someone who doesnt even know or care! Was that even love? What IS love?!?!? How does it feel like?!?

Sometimes i think that GOd is protecting me for my own good. Protecting my fragile heart from the pain of heartbreaks. But is there even THE one out there?

THere's this chinese saying that loosely translated goes: It doesnt have to last forever. THe duration doesnt matter. All that matters is that it once belonged to you.

I want to know how falling in love with somebody and having that same person loving you back feels like. I want to know that someone is missing me at this moment. I want to know that someone enjoys my company so much that he wants me all to himself. I want to know what it feels like to be hugged without even asking just because im down. I want to experience the wonders of falling in love and being in love.

Maybe if i dont find love, love will find me? Then maybe cupid will not think im some desperate idiot and thus happily fly away to shoot his 'love arrows' at some other unexpecting fellows. Maybe thats how the 'Love happens when u least expect' came about!

Maybe i should just focus on being happy instead! Man, i hope he's having a good show now. Wish i could hear his voice...